I've been interviewing for PhD places lately. One question, that almost always comes up, is about my long term plans. I know I should answer that I want to go into industry, or I plan to do a postdoc, or something. But everytime they ask me, it just makes me want to laugh and cry.
I'm in remission, I'm doing brilliantly, all signs are good. As far as most people know, I've moved on and am living a normal life. Actually, most people just don't know that I've ever had cancer. My hair has grown back, my face has lost that puffiness, my eyes don't look so doped out any more. But I don't think I'll ever get back to having that faith in my future - that I can plan five or six years in the future and expect it to work out.
It's not that I think my cancer will come back (although it might), or that I'm afraid of getting a secondary cancer as a result of treatment (although that might happen as well) - it's that cancer has changed the way I see my future. I'm happy planning in the here and now. I know what I want to do this summer - my last long summer after I graduate - and I've planned that. I found it easy to plan what lab placements to do in previous summers - I think because it was achievable in time I already knew I had.
Deciding to do a PhD - or what topic - or where to apply - or how highly to rank different criteria when deciding where to go was something that I found very hard. It all has a sense of not being quite real. People say that "It's only a few years" - but they might be my only few years. I feel that I really need to get it right - that I have to make the right choice. I didn't really expect to survive through college and to graduate - or I didn't dare to expect it - and now it's only a few weeks away. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing next.
I want to believe that I'll survive years into the future, and that no obstacles or problems will come my way. It's something I want more than anything in the world. So when someone asks me that question, it's almost as if someone has sat down a normal, regular person, and asked them in all seriousness, "So, what would you do if you won the lottery?" - only a million times more so. Because instead of asking how I'd spend money, they're asking how I'd spend weeks, hours, minutes and seconds that I'm not sure I'll ever have.
I freeze up, each and every time they ask me.
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Can you say, 'I'm open-minded about what happens in three or five or six years. In fact, while doing my PhD, I'll be going out of my way to speak to people about their experiences and how what they think about their work. I'll do my best not to narrow my choices too early. I think life is about getting a variety of experiences.'
Can you spin it to be a positive? Instead of uncertainty, turn it into open-mindedness?
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